I would have been married 11 years ago today. And whilst I have been separated for nearly 4 years this date tends to creep up on me; ambush me and leaves me so emotional and teary that I have to sit with a tissue at my desk at work and dab my eyes frequently so I’m not left with mascara tracks down my face and I can have some semblance of professionalism. I think about how it would have been had we still been together these last 4 years. If, instead of leaving me, he left his mistress and really focused on our flaws. Attending counselling as I’d suggested and working on our marriage. I wonder if there would be a third baby by now or whether we would have decided against it, counting ourselves lucky and focusing all our energies into bringing up the two precious amazing kids we have already.
And then I think would I have thrown in the towel a year or two down the line? Would I have broken the habit of being a doormat – keeping the peace for somebody who clearly had zero respect for me and still to this day thinks he can walk all over me and I will just take it.
He has been so all over the place lately that it makes me think I should have just arranged alternative childcare for the summer holidays. Texting me saying he’s going to the gym when I’m about to drop the kids down or bringing them back late when he’s been texting me all day asking when I’m picking them up. I mean the holidays are always chaotic, routine gets thrown out of the window but this year, with his new son, it seems to be worse and I feel sorry for our two. I’m sure they feel that they’re not welcome anywhere which is hardly fair on them.
In other news I started dating again and the guy I’m seeing is lovely! I was reluctant to write this as it has only been a fortnight but I guess I see this as a record of my life so if things go wrong and it’s not as amazing and romantic as I believe it to be now well this is how I felt at the time and it’s good to record things – good and bad.
First off he has been so open and honest. He has nothing to hide and although his past relationships have been rocky he will not let the past define his outlook for the future and how he embarks on new relationships. His attitude is so refreshing and positive for somebody that has been through so much. He showed me his driving licence to prove his age (5 years older than me). I didn’t ask for it but he knows I won’t tolerate lies and deceit and is willing to open up to me in order to put me at ease.
Anyway, it’s early days. I’m trying not to get carried away. Date 4/5 (they merged into one weekend) went really well. Date 6 last night was lovely (although he’s a bit poorly at the moment but he muddled through). Date 7 won’t be until next week as this weekend is all about me and the kids…oh and a 3 hours life drawing class that a dear friend bought me for my birthday. Can’t wait!
Counselling is so different this time round. It seems to be more about affirming that my ex did behave appallingly and that I’m right to still feel hurt and still be working through things. It’s about managing my feelings so that I can remain neutral and almost detached for the kids in terms of how I feel about their new little brother. We have started working on building my self-esteem and my need to be more assertive in all aspects of my life and she has set me some homework this week. She believes if I learn how to say no and train myself not to apologise for things that aren’t my fault that I will feel better. I will have more energy, more head space for me and anxiety levels will reduce. Here’s hoping.