I’ve had an amazing family holiday in Center Parcs and an absolutely fantastic early 40th birthday party in my home village with friends and family and now I’m back to work feeling sorry for myself.  Since I changed my name in work I’ve been unable to get work emails on my phone which, although annoying, turned out to be an absolute blessing when I was on leave.  I could completely switch off and enjoy time with the kids, my parents and my brother without worrying over emails that always seem urgent but in reality can absolutely wait until you’re back at your desk.

We spent five days or so cycling, swimming, eating, drinking, laughing, spotting squirrels and rabbits and ducks and ducklings and generally switching off from everyday life.  Me and my mum spent a few blissful hours in the spa where I actually nodded off in the Forest Meditation room and woke myself up with a snort!  I then had an awesome party in the local cricket club.  The fizz was flowing, the DJ was immense and the night was filled with hugs and dancing and catching up with relatives that I really should make more of an effort to keep in touch with.  I have so many bottles of fizz (what does that say about me?) and other amazing gifts.  My parents will load up their car in September and bring these over to me and I can celebrate my 40’s all over again.

Now back to reality with a thud.  It was great picking the dog up from the kennels.  He had made friends with a female pooch, Bubbles, and they were apparently getting on like a house on fire…ahem :).  It gave me faith in my decision to rescue this lovable yet crazy escape artist of a dog.  He is our reason for returning home.  After we had been home for a few hours, Daddy came to see the kids with the new baby in the pram and I wanted to go and look in the pram but I thought that would be strange and awkward and how would I be left feeling?  Yesterday morning when I dropped the kids off he answered the door with the baby smooshed up on his shoulders.  All I could see was his tiny,soft fluffy head and his cute little socks and as I imagined breathing in the scent of freshly washed baby I felt like I was being stabbed in the womb.  The pain was intense.  I quickly walked away blinking back tears.  I guess my next counselling session will be about exploring my thoughts and feelings around this baby.  I met my daughter’s friend’s new wee brother yesterday.  I held him in my arms as the girls got their stuff together for an arts and crafts class that I was dropping them off at.  As I was cradling the baby in my arms I felt nothing but love for this new mum and affection for the wee baby (he’s actually fairly sizeable 9lbs 13 at birth) – no jealousy, no stabbing pain – so what is it about my ex’s baby?

Last night my son got into my bed and restlessly slept by my side.  I was the same.  I felt like I was feverish.  Intense dreams, stomach cramps and I pretty much saw every hour on the clock. I don’t want to feel like this as my two good friends (one heavily pregnant, what is it about this time of year and my life; baby season much?) are taking me out for an early birthday lunch tomorrow and I don’t want to be sick – I need to be on good form.

This morning we were greeted by a different ex/daddy when I dropped the kids off.  No baby on his shoulder and a grumpy looking face to boot.  Sleep deprived?  An argument with the girlfriend?  Is she going through that dreaded fog of postnatal depression? I don’t know what’s going on and surely it’s none of my business but the kids were told to go up to their room immediately, no passing go.  When I got into work I whatsapped my son (he has become a teenager at 10 with a new phone) telling him I loved him and his sister and I would see them later.  He replied ‘cya later’ (yoof speech!).  Couldn’t get much from that.  I just hope they’re okay and the tension isn’t unbearable in their dad’s house.

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