I have never delivered quite so cruel a blow to another human being in my life. He turned up on my doorstep last night after two days of messaging me, asking me to reconsider, pleading and begging that we could work through things; surely clear communication is the only way forward? I held the dog under one arm as I held the door open. I know it seems bad but I couldn’t invite him in. This awful, end-of-the-line conversation needed to happen on my doorstep.
I know that I have made the right decision. Things haven’t been right for some time and I can’t wait until his daughters are at uni/he gets a better job/he wins the lottery/he moves in to my house for our relationship to progress. Crucially things weren’t great between us now; in the present, and I believe he has unresolved issues that are affecting his ability to be present, loving, communicative and generous with his time. He hinted at some childhood trauma that he had been on the verge of telling me a couple of times. But it’s all too late now. I gave him ample opportunities to open up to me, to be more loving and he closed down and pushed me away every time. With everything going on I needed emotional support, I needed to be heard and he just wasn’t willing to be there for me.
It’s going to take me a long time to forget the way his face crumpled when I told him I no longer loved him, that I had made my decision and that I needed to be on my own. It will take me a long time to forget of his please: We can try for another baby, I can move in tomorrow, we can get married as he dropped down onto one knee. But I stayed strong. I know I’ve made the right decision. I’d rather be on my own that feel anxious and uncertain about our partnership, about when and for how long I might see him next. And it’s awful and I feel terrible but I know I’ve done the right thing for both of us. I wouldn’t have been true to myself had we carried on. As I told him I need someone who is passionate about me, who shouts my name from the rooftops. I know it’s cheesy but that’s what I need. Sometimes I need someone to pick me up and comfort me and be the strong one and make decisions on my behalf. That someone is out there, I’ve just not found him yet.