I’ve been quiet on here of late. Dealing with emotions and feelings that I couldn’t understand and didn’t feel comfortable expressing. I lost the plot with D – why was he plodding along? I didn’t want to plod along. Is this it because frankly you’re wasting my time. I shouted at him ‘If you die tomorrow I would never find out’. I’m not part of his kids’ lives (they’re teenagers, I’m sure they’re not bothered about being part of my life but still). I’ve been so busy of late with my own visitors, shuttling through end of term piano recitals, dance shows, sports days etc etc that we had started to see each other once a week. It came to a head when one Thursday he’d been unsure whether he was seeing his son or not so I made the decision that me and the dog wouldn’t go to see him. It turned out that he wasn’t seeing his son but I had to keep asking him questions to know he was sitting on his own and I was sitting on my own and that didn’t seem right. Why did he want to be on his own? Why didn’t he want to see me? I came to the conclusion without speaking to him that we were essentially too different to be together. I started off my tirade with him by saying ‘I can’t do this anymore’.
We talked and talked and he left saying ‘I don’t think I can change enough for you’ but then he had time to think and realised that he wanted to give us a chance – he didn’t want to set himself up for failure; he wanted to try. And I realised that if I didn’t allow him this chance; if I didn’t try to work through our issues then I was just behaving like my ex – making my mind up that we were over before we’d even given things a chance. So, we’re attempting to work through our issues. Our different opinions on what makes a meaningful partnership. My alcohol consumption had crept up so that when we did spend the night together I would wake up groggy and fuzzy headed, not really remembering conversations from the previous evening. This is something that I have to work on. In turn he is being more enthusiastic about us, driving to see me more and making an effort to introduce me into his kids’ lives. And also to not empty the clean cutlery into the cutlery drawer in any old fashion. And to stir coffee with a spoon – not give it to me not stirred with ‘raw’ coffee granules floating on the surface – all of those little niggles that build up and eventually explode!
I’ve found myself getting so angry and upset every time the kids innocently gave me a titbit of information about their dad, C and the imminent new baby or when I see her out walking; her tiny frame and perfectly neat bump. I am confused by my feelings – why do I still feel so strongly about them and their relationship? As a friend said to me it’s really none of my business what he buys for her and anyway we don’t know why he’s buying these gifts. But still the pain and resentment and hurt lingers on and has started to manifest itself in the way I felt about D. And sure he’s not perfect but neither am I. He was plodding along thinking things were okay and I did need to say something; the way we were going wasn’t enough for me. I want and need more. More communication, more honesty, more transparency, more affection but I have no doubt that the way I feel about us is tainted by my feelings about them and this is something I need to get to grips with and sort out in my own head.
I’ve signed up for more counselling, I may try CBT this time if appropriate. The first course of counselling enabled me to navigate through the separation and the awful feelings of betrayal and abandonment. The 2nd time round I returned to try and cope with the idea that the kids were about to meet the other woman. In reality they had probably met her before this point but it was at that time that the kids started talking about her to me and that hurt big time, like a kick to the stomach. I need to have some coping strategies around this anxiety and hopelessness I feel about things. My constant worrying about my current relationship, how the kids are coping, my elderly dad, my single brother. As my dear friend told me (who’s idea it was to start this blog and I know still reads – thank you, I love you!) “You can’t beat a bit of impartial listening/advice. I know having me ready with a blade for anyone who does you wrong is useful, but sometimes a bit of detachment is necessary”.
I need to calm down and enjoy what I have and of course speak up sooner rather than later and try and be as truthful, honest and authentic as I can be too. I’m a work in progress but I’m working at it.