There are a lot of uncertainties and unknowns going on in my life, and the kids’ lives, right now. The role I’m currently doing at work is only meant to last until the end of May (although I’m covering part of the duties of somebody who is on long-term sick leave and it’s doubtful if she’s ever returning to work). I know if I go back to my visitor-facing role I’m not going to be working to the best of my ability. My mind will be elsewhere, I won’t be able to focus on the person in front of me. I can’t physically work until 7/7.30pm in the evenings anymore and more to the point nor do I want to. I would also be going back to manage a team who have been managed by somebody else for a period of time whilst I’ve been working on some amazing projects. These projects will not be completed by the end of the month and I would really like to see these to completion. I really want to be with my kids (and my dog!) being a mum, checking in with them, making sure I’m there for them when they need me. And I’m more and more aware that they won’t always need me. My son will be going into his last year of primary school in September. Soon, I will lose him to secondary school, his friends, girlfriends (or boyfriends I don’t mind either way), his ipod, his phone and whatever else. I need to spend what time I have left until that time, squeezing him tight and ruffling his hair and generally embarrassing him. But ultimately I know a job’s a job and I need to be working at the moment. The mortgage needs to be paid, I need to put food on the table (which they usually accept without moaning) and I want them to be treated as I was by my parents. Not getting everything they ask for but also not worse off because their dad walked out on us. It’s not their fault that he met someone else and they shouldn’t be punished for it.
The kids are feeling a bit shaky. They moved house with their dad at the weekend. I think everybody was under pressure, stressed, tired, the kids (7 and 9) were packing their belongings and unpacking, hoovering the old house. I think my daughter actually refused to go back to their ‘old house’ for the last run. She was probably scared of her feelings, didn’t want to cry or cause a fuss when tensions were running high. I felt like saying to her ‘darling I know how you feel, I spent the last year or so when me and your dad were together doing just what you’re doing and it’s not right, you have to let your feelings out. Tell him how you’re feeling, cry if you need to cry’.
But obviously I didn’t say this. It’s not something she would understand at the moment and it wouldn’t be fair on her to hear this so instead I cuddled her and told her everything would be okay and things would settle down again. The house is still in our hometown and actually closer to my house (which I see and I hope they see as their proper home) but I think the imminent arrival of the new baby and the fact that they’ve moved into their own bedrooms (with double beds!) at Dad’s is probably all a little unsettling. So much so that my almost 10 year old lynx-smelling (or stinking?!) son climbed into my bed last night almost as soon as lights were out as he just couldn’t settle. His mind racing with what’s going to happen in the not so distant future. And I know that he worries about me, how I’m feeling as I put on a smile and pretend I’m okay with everything. Maybe it’s the wrong thing to do but I try to be honest with them whilst following the age-old rule of never badmouthing their dad in front of them. I save that for when I’m with my friends fuelled with wine and pent-up rage. Oh I did let it slip that I describe his new car as being jobby-brown in colour but they just thought this was humourous. And yes, they probably have told him I describe it as thus. Oh well…
I think some stability is needed and soon. For all of us. This need for stability has probably impacted on the way I’ve been treating my boyfriend of late. Why can’t you commit? How do you really feel? I’m also aware that going into the summer months has always been like this since the separation. He has the whole summer off, I have to work my normal hours so there’s always tension in terms of will he agree to look after his children on ‘my days’? Will he cut the child maintenance down even further? When are my parents (who are getting older and aren’t as fit as they were) free to come over and look after the kids. If I knew what my hours of work were going to be that would be a start and then I could plan accordingly. Maybe a one-to-one this afternoon with my boss will shed some light on matters and give me a way forward. I’m really hoping so. In the meantime I just need to keep working away and doing the best that I can in all areas of my life and hope and pray that things will all work out for the best.