well I’m sure glad I scrapped my incoherent ramblings from last night and have started afresh this morning. I’m currently ‘home’ spending a few days with family and for me distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, it makes me more paranoid and insecure in my relationships. Or maybe it’s being in my childhood home as an adult; a parent. I’ve regressed to my insecure teenage state yet still have to be a mum with all the answers and a permanent smile on my face. Whatever the reasons I spent most of yesterday bickering over whatsapp with my boyfriend. Maybe I’m still working through the fact that I’ve been tossed aside for a woman at least 10 years my junior or maybe I would be like this anyway but I like plans to be made and stuck to, I like certainty and definites and I definitely do not like ‘well as far as I know I’m free on that date but will have to see nearer the time’. Anyway things were said by both of us that were probably untrue and exaggerated and unnecessarily hurtful and at one point I was accused of practising emotional blackmail which I felt was unfair and hurtful but I guess today is a new day and we are slowly getting back on track. As previously discussed dating and relationships as a single parent (with a new dog! Part of the problem it would seem) are not easy. Responsibilties most of time have to come first, spontaneity second (which is fine by me. I spent the whole of my marriage wishing to be surprised and then when I was it didn’t turn out to be the most pleasant of surprises…) and finances don’t always stretch to dinners out or trips away as they had done previously. I guess all day yesterday I was trying to be honest and lay out how I really felt which is a big thing for me. Again, for a long time I kept quiet for fear of rocking the boat, upsetting the apple cart (where does that come from?! You know what I mean) and that clearly got me nowhere. For once, for one day I just want to be his no.1 priority. That’s all.

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