Tonight I will find myself home alone. Well albeit with a faithful pup nestling in beside me but without kids or boyfriend (can you call them a boyfriend when you’re ancient? I never know but partner always seems so corporate). Even 3.5 years down the line of separation/on the road to divorce, the thought of me, myself and I still starts to drip feed a certain low level anxiety. I can feel it creeping up on me as I mentally plan my evening, as I run through how I no longer talk to myself but a dog who, as long as you talk in an upbeat, high pitched talking to a baby manner seems to understand or at least accept the fact that this strange human who is sometimes on her own and sometimes with other humans – big and small – is talking to them like another human.
So I whatsapped my dear friend about this. She has always been there for me across the water, sending comfort blankets and cash when needed. And when I see her and share wine and laugh and cry and get it all out I feel cleansed. She asked what exactly I was afraid of. I think she thought at first it was the physical aspect of being home alone. It’s not that as I have the aforementioned pup/guard dog (he would make all the right noises if God forbid an intruder entered the house), it’s the headspace you have when you’re on your own. Even when you’re watching TV or a film or online (that lonely space) or reading an event triggers memories that you thought were happy at the time but these memories are now coloured by hindsight I guess. You start to see the flaws in what you thought was a perfect day/night away (did I not deserve a spa treat, was I not a worthy wife?)/mundane everyday memory and you start to feel sad about what you have lost. And I guess scared of what the future holds. And you start to compare what you had with your current love. These comparisons can only be described as dangerous. Now I have no doubt that wine makes this situation worse. I don’t know if worse is the right word – you perhaps get to the point I have just described quicker and perhaps the highs and lows of whatever you’re thinking about become more flushed with colour (as do your cheeks but hey who’s judging? A dog?) but you’d get there anyway.
My friend suggested starting an anonymous blog. She thought other women might be interested. Selfish I know but I’m more interested in how this process will make me feel. I’ve been journaling since the start of the year but this will hopefully be another way of me getting everything out and if somebody reads it and it resonates with them and dare I say it help them in any way then that’s good too.
So tonight’s goal or objective is to not push these thoughts away when they inevitably happen but try and round them off. This happened, in hindsight these aspects of that time, place, activity were not satisfying. His behavior wasn’t appropriate, he perhaps wasn’t kind to me and didn’t show me the love that I deserve but it happened and I need to move on with my life and stay in as positive a frame of mind as I can for my own health, my kids’ wellbeing and for the sake of my current relationship.
If you stumbled across this thanks for staying put.